Mother’s Day

This is my first mother’s day with out mom so I am going to share the wit of one of her favorite writers, Erma Bombeck.  Erma’s writing was always spot on and she could make us all laugh.  Many a time mom would be reading the paper but we knew when she got to Erma’s column as she would start laughing out loud and the rest of us would just look at each other and know that she was reading Erma.  We were fortunate that mom was able to meet Erma at a convention one year and could share wits.  I was not able to go on that trip but mom did bring me back an autographed book that she addressed to me, “the keeper of the kitty litter”.

So often over the years we often caught ourselves something or someone and we would go “well as Erma would say…”  inserting one of our favorite quotes that pertained to the topic of the moment.  I am sharing Erma’s “Things My Mother Taught Me” for Mother’s Day and because it makes us pause and laugh and that is one of the best things my mother taught me!

Things My Mother Taught Me

By Erma Bombeck

“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside – I just finished cleaning!”

My mother taught me RELIGION
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

My mother taught me REASON 
“Because I said so, that’s why.”

My Mother taught me LOGIC
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

My mother taught me FORESIGHT 
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident”

My mother taught me IRONY
“Keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS 
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper!”

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM 
“Will you “look” at the dirt on the back of your neck!”

My mother taught me about STAMINA 
“You’ll sit there ’till all that spinach is finished.”

My mother taught me about WEATHER 
“It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.”

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS
“If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen THEN?”

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY 
“If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times–Don’t exaggerate!!!”

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
“Stop acting like your father!”

My mother taught me about ENVY!
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do!”

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION 
“Just wait until we get home.”

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING 
“You are going to get it when we get home!”

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD
“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job.”

My Mother taught me ESP 
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you’re cold?”

My Mother taught me HUMOR 
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

My Mother taught me about SEX 
“How do you THINK you got here?”

My Mother taught me about GENETICS 
“You’re just like your father.”

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS
“Do you think you were born in a barn?”

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE
“When you get to be my age, you will understand.”

My Mother taught me about JUSTICE
“One day you’ll have kids … and I hope they turn out just like you!

Happy Mother’s Day MOM!


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